THE POOR PIMPS GUIDE ON HOW TO AVOID A DISTASTROUS DATE


       First and for most ladies and gentlemen I’d like to introduce myself. My name Larry Jr. and I walk with a limp, bit for the rest of the story just call me L.J the pimp. Now I’m going to explain to you how to go out on a date Grand Style with a brother of my caliber. I’m going to give you my guide to dating from the point of view of a V.I.P. For those of you that don’t understand the game, that stands for very important Pimp. I’m going to give you the steps on how I do what I do. If you do just the opposite on a date you will keep yourself from having a disastrous evening.
       The first thing you have to do is understand what Pimp stands for people. Pimp stand for Put It In My Pocket. I’ve always went by the motto, “If they ain’t paying they ain’t staying,” not to get it confused with “first thang first, you gotta dig in they purse,” or “my momma is having heart surgery and I’m $ 150 short.” The point is that I expect the woman to pay. Men gave women a rib to live so the least they could do is cook, clean and pay my bills. Why should they complain, when I’m taking them to McDonalds and Burger King. If my dates have all their teeth and they smell good I might even let them Supersize the meal. Well as long as I have money saved over from my welfare check. You know a brother has to eat too. If you use any of these lines or keep any of the mottos you are guaranteed to have a disastrous date.
       Now every upstanding V.I.P has to have some Hot Wheels to empress the ladies. I’ve had my Hot Wheels since the 6th grade. I’d even let her put them on my new racetrack with push button controls if she acted right. If we decide we want to go cruising around town all I have to do is whisk my woman onto the back of my BMX, give her my extra set of Scooby Do knee pads and ride the night away. Every now and then I’d ask her how it feels to be riding with a pimp. Most of the time they don’t respond. I think because my ride leaves them speechless. I always make my women give me compliments. I just never compliment them. We wouldn’t want them to get up enough confidence to leave me. If you do any or all of these things on a date you are guaranteed to have a disastrous date.
       After the date it is important to take the woman to an impressive place for the after party. My place of preference is my four-bedroom two-bath house with a TV in each room. The bar is stocked and food is plentiful. You are guaranteed to score. As long as my mom and dad don’t come home from bingo early everything will go well. You know what, I’m a pimp, I wish my dad would come home and mess up my plans. I really wish he would try to hit me in front of my date. Do you know what I would do to him?  Take a guess. If my dad hit me…I’d bleed all over him. That’s a big dude. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I pushed my date in front of him when he swung. If you do any of this you are guaranteed to have a disastrous date.
       Not everyone can have the smooth moves and walk with a limp, like Larry Jr. the pimp but you can have your own style. If you go into a date trying to be someone your not a woman will see right through you. Go in there and be yourself. That’s the only way to avoid a disastrous date. If they don’t like you for who you are tell them to go kick rocks. You can do better by yourself.